


Cue The Sirens

by flannelfeelings



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Canon-Typical Behavior, Canon-Typical Violence, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Established Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Funny, Happy Ending, Jake Peralta & Charles Boyle friendship, Lighthearted, Mild Angst, Petty Holt, Rosa Diaz & Amy Santiago Friendship, Takes place in s5, The 99, The Squad, This is literal nonsense don't take it too seriously lol, cases, solving cases
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:42:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25030339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flannelfeelings/pseuds/flannelfeelings
Summary: Jake and Charles solve a missing person's case, Amy and Rosa go on a bucket list adventure, Holt & Terry deal with major concerns at the Nine-Nine.
Relationships: Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago
Comments: 8
Kudos: 29





	Cue The Sirens

**Author's Note:**

> ok so this is basically me trying to write fic in the style of an episode, takes place around s5?
> 
> please dont take this too seriously it was just for fun! im in no way a professional writer or a comedian or anyone with ANY capabilities for writing in a pro capacity. just having some cracky fun! i know the style is super weird but i dont like writing "script" format so this is what we've got lol hope it maybe gives you a smile! 
> 
> i hope you enjoy and lmk your thoughts!

The sound of high-pitched screaming could be heard ricocheting throughout the bullpen. Detective Jake Peralta went wide-eyed, shooting up from his desk with alarm, as well as his fiance Amy, who was seated across from him. Rosa and Terry both got up from their desks too, looking confused and concerned by the screams.

A moment later, Charles sprinted out of the Captain’s office, tripping on his own shoes and running full-speed until he barrelled into Jake, sending them both crashing to the floor of the bullpen.

“Charles what the hell?!” Jake groaned, shoving the man off of him as they both sat up in a daze.

Before Charles could explain, Captain Holt’s voice boomed from his doorway, “Boyle!” he screamed with veracity.

Amy’s eyes widened in fear, turning to face the captain as everyone else looked on with interest and shock. The captain was standing in his doorway, a horrific green stain splattered across his white button down shirt. Fury was written across his usually stoic face.

“Charles?” Jake demanded, “What did you do?”

“This bumbling munchkin was trying to offer me some of his Boyle family recipe split pea soup!” Holt’s thundering voice boomed as he stepped out of his office toward Charles, each word getting louder as he moved forward to the cowering man on the floor.

Jake looked at Charles in horror, “Did you spill soup on him?”

Charles shook his head, looking at Jake as if he were an idiot, “No! He spilled it on himself.”

Jake looked back at the captain with confusion, “Then what is he-”

“He _violated_ me, causing me to spill hot soup all over.” Holt growled, continuing his enraged sentence.

All eyes turned to Charles in horrified inquisition.

Charles threw his hands up, “Sir, you asked me how to tell if you have an advanced palette, I was just-”

“Oh my god.” Jake ran a hand over his forehead in realization, “Did you grab his tongue?!”

“What?” Amy demanded, “Ew Charles!”

“The tongue is a very sensitive entity!” Charles hissed defensively, “More sensitive than the nipples!”

“Stop talking about my nipples!” Holt thundered, receiving wary looks from the surrounding officers in the precinct.

“At least you still have nipples,” Scully cut in, “I lost my left one in a skiing accident fifteen years ago.”

“It’s true, he looks like a half cheese, half pepperoni pizza.” Hitchcock agreed.

Dead silence fell on everyone’s shoulders, disgust ringing in the air.

“Anybody in the mood for pizza now?” Charles asked.

Holt lurched forward with his fists drawn, only to be stopped by Terry grabbing his arms. He roared with anger as Boyle let out a shriek of fear, cowering into a ball on the floor. 

* * *

**_BWAH BWAH BWAH BWAH *theme song * BWAH BWAH BWHAAHHHH_ **

* * *

**Wednesday 8:45 AM**

**99th Precinct**

The squad all sat at the ready in the briefing room as Terry stood at the podium, delivering assignments and catching everyone up on cases.

“Santiago, Diaz, you’ll be working on the DOA at the Meeker apartments.” he told them, to which they both nodded. “Jake, Boyle, I want you two to head down to the park off of central and try to get some evidence on our missing person’s case.” The two men nodded in understanding.

“What do you want us to do Sarge?” Hitchcock asked eagerly.

“Change your email to something less offensive.” Terry snapped, crossing his arms.

Hitchcock scoffed, “Oh so all of a sudden we can’t have bigbreastedbroads69 as our hotmail account?”

“That’s disgusting!” Amy hissed at him.

“You’re still using Hotmail?” Jake demanded.

“Dismissed.” Terry cut in before it could devolve any further. The squad dispersed to go take care of their assigned work.

* * *

**Wednesday 9:55AM**

**Captain Holt’s office**

Captain Holt leaned back in his chair, scratching his chin thoughtfully as he perused something on the screen of his computer. A quick burst of knocks caught his attention, and he looked up at the door.

“You may enter.” he called. Terry stepped in tentatively, closing the door behind him, “Good morning sir. I wanted to talk to you about something.”

Holt nodded toward the plush chair opposite his desk, and Terry sat down, visibly nervous.

“What is it you wanted to speak to me about?” Holt inquired.

“I’ve been looking at the precinct reports and I think we could be doing a lot better.” Terry explained, “We got code inspected last week and for hygiene we got nearly a failing grade.”

Holt frowned curiously, “What seems to be the problem areas as far as hygiene? Bathrooms?”

“No.” Terry shook his head, shuddering, “Peralta’s desk was a large source of issue for the inspector.”

Holt’s eyes widened slightly, and he leaned sideways to peer out of his windows to Jake’s cluttered desk. The detective was out working the case, so he wasn’t there to block the piles and piles of mess and trash on his desk.

“What do you recommend?” Holt asked seriously.

Terry sighed, “I think, while he’s gone, we should try to clean it.”

“Jeffords, are you insane? That’s too dangerous, even for us.” Holt shook his head, “I won’t condemn us to that fate.”

“He won’t let me clear it off while he’s here!” Terry insisted, “And he won’t do it himself. If you want to get this precinct up in tip top shape, we need to commence operation Goodbye Garbage.”

Holt was reluctant to agree, but Terry was right. The precinct needed to get up to code, “Alright, Jeffords. Let’s commence Operation Trash Talk.”

Terry frowned, “I said Goodbye Garbage.”

“I know but that name was terrible. You’re not gifted at alliteration, Sargeant.” Holt told him with a petty shrug.

Terry sighed, “Let’s just get the trash bags.” 

* * *

**Wednesday 11:18AM**

**Central Park**

Jake and Charles had been patrolling the park for nearly an hour now, looking for any clues that might lead them to the suspect in the most recent disappearance from the park. So far they had no leads, and no information on the John Doe who’d been kidnapped, just some security footage of an unidentified man in a hoodie being knocked out and dragged from the park to an unmarked car.

“Got anything?” Jake asked as he and Boyle met back up by a park bench.

Charles shook his head and held up a weathered newspaper, “Just a copy of last week’s paper. It gave an incredibly unfounded positive review of Maude’s Subs. Totally got the bread wrong-”

“Alright.” Jake cut him off, shaking his head with a roll of his eyes, “I think we need to retrace his steps. The security cameras caught him starting at the side gate, and he was taken around the back exit. Why don’t we each take one side and meet in the middle?”

“Sounds good.” Charles nodded, “I’ll take the exit, I love going in from behind.”

Jake snorted, “Title of your sex tape.”

Charles shook his head sadly, “Jake I love you, but sometimes you’re dirty when there’s just nothing to be gross about.”

Jake rubbed his forehead in disbelief as they parted ways to hunt for more clues.

* * *

**Wednesday 10:30AM**

**Meeker Street Apartments**

Amy and Rosa were both squatted down beside the dead body of Robert Parson in his fourth floor apartment. He was a middle aged man, overweight, looked to be natural causes. There were oxygen tanks and packs of cigarettes all over the apartment, and no signs of forced entry. There weren’t security cameras in the hall and no witnesses.

“I’m gonna say natural causes.” Rosa said, “Bet the autopsy confirms.”

“I think so too.” Amy nodded, “Man, he’s so young. Really makes you think.”

Rosa scowled in confusion, “About what?”

“I dunno,” Amy shrugged, “Life? Making sure you do everything you want to do before you die?”

“I only have one thing left to do on my bucket list.” Rosa admitted, “Punch Steve Austin in the face and see if I can take him in a fight.”

Amy frowned, eyeing Rosa as if she were insane, “Really? You’ve done everything else you want to do?”

“Haven’t you? You’re pretty old.” Rosa cocked an eyebrow up.

Amy scoffed, “Old? Yeah right! I’m as hip as they come, kid.”

Rosa wrinkled her nose in disgust.

Sighing, Amy conceded, “Okay. There _are_ a few things I wanna do before I die. I mean, I’ve never really...lived on the edge.”

Rosa got to her feet, crossing her arms, “Alright. Here’s what we’re gonna do. We’ll leave this to the ME because it’s almost definitely natural causes, and we’re gonna blow off the rest of the day to do at least one cool thing off your bucket list.”

“We can’t do that!” Amy shook her head frantically, “We’re supposed to be here working and-”

“Amy, we could die any day on this job, we’re doing it.” Rosa interrupted, shaking her head, “What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to do?”

Amy pursed her lips thoughtfully, but then grinned in excitement, “I got one! I hope you have your reading glasses!”

Rosa frowned again, more disdain written across her face.

“Plenty of young people use them!” Amy snapped.

* * *

**Wednesday, 12:00PM**

**99th Precinct Bullpen**

Terry crawled out from underneath Jake’s desk, covered in dirty, multicolored smudges and looking defeated. Holt stood beside the desk with a large trash bag, stuffed to the brim with things, even though the desk was clearly far from finished.

“This is impossible.” Holt shook his head, “The trash appears to be reproducing with its own kind.”

“I think some of this garbage has mutated.” Terry agreed, holding up a blackened lump of unidentifiable material, “I’m pretty sure this used to be a blueberry muffin.”

“I don’t understand how the trash can is also full if he isn’t throwing anything away.” Holt mused.

“We can’t give up.” Terry said confidently, though there was a slight tremble in his voice, “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

“Yes but Rome was the pinnacle of cleanliness for its era.” Holt argued, “The Romans invented plumbing.”

“Jake has plumbing…” Terry said, a frown creasing his eyebrows, “I mean...I think. He _does_ use the bathroom here a lot…” he shook his head as if to clear it, “No! We will not be defeated by a desk! We’re tougher than that, sir.”

“You’re right.” Holt nodded, “Operation Trash Talk is still in full effect, and still the best title for the mission.”

Terry rolled his eyes, but climbed back under the desk to get back to his work.

* * *

_Wednesday 12:30 PM_

_Brooklyn City Library_

“Seriously, Amy?” Rosa demanded, “This is on your bucket list?”

Amy looked up in offense from the novel tucked between her hands. She and Rosa were both sitting at the large, wooden table in the library, where Amy had selected an erotic novel from the adult shelf, and begun reading.

“I’ve never had the guts to pick out erotica before.” Amy admitted, cheeks red, “I kinda always wanted to see what it was like, but was too afraid to check it out. Thanks for doing that for me.”

“Yeah whatever, I’m not afraid of sex.” Rosa rolled her eyes.

“I’m not either!” Amy hissed, “Jake and I do sex all the time!”

Rosa cocked an eyebrow up mockingly.

Amy’s shoulders sagged, “I overcompensated there. But still, it’s really exciting to read something like this.” she gestured to the book, “There’s even kinky stuff.”

“Is this really what you envisioned doing before you die?” Rosa asked, “Sitting in a stuffy building, reading about some girl and guy getting butt paddled while you fan your blush away?”

“No one’s butt is getting paddled!” Amy told her. Then, she sighed, and shrugged, “I dunno. I think you already have to be kinda wild to come up with something crazy to do, right? And I’m not exactly a party girl.”

“No, but I am.” Rosa smirked, “I think I just thought of something great. C’mon, let’s get out of here.”

“Okay!” Amy grabbed the book and slid a bookmark in it, tucking it against her chest. Rosa gave her a look.

“I’m not done reading it!” Amy insisted.

The other detective just rolled her eyes, and led Amy to the exit. 

* * *

**Wednesday 12:00PM**

**Central Park**

As Jake made his way toward the center of the park where he was supposed to meet Charles, he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. Sticking out from underneath a bench was a small, silver gleam. It was probably nothing, but he had to check it out nonetheless.

Jake crossed the grass and knelt by the bench, frowning as he slid a glove on his hand and took the silver edge between his fingers, sliding it out of the dirt carefully. Once it was fully removed, he could see that it was an empty wallet clip with the initials “ _R.P_.”

Could this be their victim’s clip, therefore his initials? Jake pulled out his phone to call Charles, before he felt the cold nozzle of a gun on the back of his neck.

“Detective.”A cold voice said, “Looks like you found something that belongs to me.”

Jake swallowed hard, still unmoving, “It was empty when I picked it up, pal.”

“Not the money!” the voice replied with a scoff, “The clip. I came back to get that, give it here.”

“I’m guessing you’re our kidnapper.” Jake mused.

A hand shot out beside his face, palm up, “Gimme the clip.”

Jake’s fingers tightened on it, “What if, instead of that, I just describe it to you in detail, then you won’t have to look at it.”

Before Jake could make another move, he felt the barrel crack into the back of his head, and darkness enveloped his vision. 

* * *

**Wednesday 1:45PM**

**99th Precinct Bullpen**

“This is insufferable!” Holt growled as he frantically attempted to scrub the mountain dew stain off his pants, “Peralta’s desk is not a problem we can fix!”

“Don’t give up now sir!” Terry begged, “We’re so close. We’ve set aside all the important files.” he glanced behind him at the five trash bags, full to the brim, “I bet we only fill up two more bags, then it’s just a matter of sanitizing.”

“No human should be in contact with this toxic waste dump.” Holt shook his head, “I must remove it, it is a matter of public safety.”

“Captain-” Terry started, but was quickly interrupted.

Holt bent down and gripped both sides of the desk, shoving it forward with a shout of effort. Terry watched in confusion as Holt shoved the desk across the bullpen and through the door leading out to the roof. He followed in a panic, wondering what the captain was doing.

“Whoa, whoa, wait!” he cried, lurching forward. But it was too late.

Holt shoved the desk over the side of the roof toward the back alley behind the building. It whirled down through the air, unimportant papers and old food flying off into the alley. It took a mere moment before a deafening _crash_ echoed throughout the alleyway.

“The problem has been eradicated.” Holt said.

Terry leaned over the roof, a groan leaving his throat, “Uh Captain?”

“What is it Sargeant?”

“You wouldn’t happen to know if Jake’s car is the green Toyota, would you?”

“I believe so, why do you ask?”

Terry grimaced, “Well...the desk isn’t the _only_ thing you destroyed.”

Holt’s eyes widened, “Oh no.”

* * *

**Wednesday 3:30PM**

**Brooklyn Skydiving Corp.**

“I don’t know about this Rosa!” Amy wailed, as they peered out of the high-flying plane to the hundreds of open air below.

Rosa readjusted her goggles, standing between Amy and their skydiving instructor, and yelled, “ _This_ is living, Santiago!”

“I don’t think I can do it!” Amy admitted, “It’s so high!”

Before Rosa could respond, her phone began ringing in her pocket. The instructor looked angry.

“You aren’t supposed to have your phone!” he insisted.

“Who made you the boss?” Rosa snapped, before putting the phone to her ear and shouting, “Hello?!”

“Rosa!” Charle’s frantic voice came through the line, “Jake disappeared while we were looking for clues. I checked the footage when I couldn’t find him and it looks like he found a piece of evidence with the vic’s initials on it and was hit over the head and taken by our kidnapper. We’re tracking his phone right now. But I think your DOA is the same guy as our missing person! They have the same initials and went missing on the same day, less than five miles apart.”

Rosa’s eyes widened, “So you think our DOA is a murder?”

“I do! We need to find Jake and get this guy in for questioning. How fast can you guys meet me?”

“Text me the address and we’ll be on our way.” Rosa disconnected the line, then looked up at the wide-eyed Amy.

“Alright, Amy. I know you’re scared.” Rosa shouted over the billowing winds, “But Jake is in trouble. He was taken by the kidnapper in their case, and Charles thinks their vic is our DOA. So we’ve gotta meet him and try to get Jake back.”

“Jake was taken?!” Amy cried. She glanced out over the expanse of grass below her, and took a large deep breath, “For my fiance!”

Without another moment, she threw herself out of the plane, screaming bloody murder. The instructor on her back cried out in alarm but seemed happy to get on with it. Rosa chuckled and jumped out behind them, cheering excitedly as she catapulted through the air.

* * *

**Wednesday, 5:35 PM**

**Warehouse outside of Brooklyn**

Jake awoke to a throbbing pain in his head, and blurred vision as he blinked rapidly. He’d been drifting in and out of consciousness ever since he’d been hit over the head, but his coherence had started to return now. He saw he was tied to a chair in the warehouse, and his kidnapper was standing in front of him.

It was a tall, broad-shouldered man with dark hair and all black clothes. He held a gun, and had a debating look on his face.

“Good morning sleepy head.” the man greeted Jake teasingly.

“Worst hangover ever.” Jake groaned against the sting in his head, “So, what’s the plan here?”

“Definitely going to kill you.” the man replied.

“So you kidnapped R.P. and did what with him?” Jake demanded.

“I guess there’s no harm in telling you, since you won’t live to share the story.” the man shrugged, “My name is Ben Ackle. Robert Parson and I were in Smokers Anonymous together.” Ben sighed, scratching his chin thoughtfully, “We both had the same sponsor, and I found out he was sleeping with her.”

“I thought that was only legal in Amsterdam.” Jake mused.

“Shut up pig.” Ben hissed, “I needed her, and he was just taking her away from me with every day that passed. She focused on _him_ more than anything else. I had to get rid of him so Stella could help me recover, only me with no distractions.”

“So you kidnapped him from the park…” Jake urged him on.

“He had breathing problems from smoking. I knew he needed to have his oxygen every three hours or so. I brought him back to his place, and I was planning to let him use it...but then I realized, that would be better than shooting him. I let him gasp for air until he died on the floor. It’s the perfect murder.”

Jake grimaced, “I feel like no murder at all would be the best murder.”

“You don’t know anything.” Ben scowled, “But none of that matters now. Cause you’re gonna die.” he lifted the gun and pointed the barrel at Jake’s forehead, who swallowed heavily.

“Why don’t you just not give me an oxygen tank for a while?” Jake suggested, “That’s your preferred method, right?”

“I don’t think so.” Ben shook his head, “I think we’ll do you nice and quick.”

“Title of your sex tape.” Jake groaned fearfully.

“Not so fast! NYPD!”

Both men looked as the door burst open and Charles, Rosa, and Amy all ran in, followed by several uniformed officers in vests. Guns trained on Ben, he was quick to drop his weapon, and Rosa rushed forward to cuff him and send him off to the uniforms for processing.

“Jake!” Amy ran forward and knelt by the chair to begin untying him, “Are you alright?”

“Totally fine.” He replied, “I’m harder to kill than a smoker, I guess.”

Amy chuckled breathlessly, “Turns out your victim was our DOA. Robert Parson.”

“Small world.” Jake told her, “Looks like there’s not as much crime in Brooklyn as we thought.”

“I don’t think that’s the takeaway.” Amy shook her head, but leaned in to plant a warm kiss on Jake’s mouth, “I’m glad you’re okay.”

“Me too.” Jake replied, looking over at Charles, “Hey, thanks for finding me and figuring it out.”

“No problem Jakey.” Charles popped his jacket collar playfully, “They don’t call me inspector gadget for nothing.”

Jake frowned, “ _Do_ they...call you that?”

Charles pursed his lips, “It’s happened.”

“You saved my life, so I’m gonna let you have it!” Jake submitted, “Let’s get outta here!”

* * *

**Wednesday 7:15PM**

**99th Precinct Bullpen**

The squad returned tiredly to the precinct to finish off their work for the night before heading home. Upon entering, Jake’s eyes went wide with confusion at the absence of his desk.

"Sarge?” he turned to Terry, who was looking very intensely at his own work, “Where’s my stuff?”

“Uhhh.” Terry stared at him, “I had too much yogurt.” he jumped out of his chair and made a beeline for the bathroom.

“Santiago, Diaz!” Holt addressed them from his office doorway, “My office, now!”

The two detectives followed his order, leaving a puzzle Jake and Charles to look around in confusion. They closed the office door behind them, and sat across from Holt at the desk.

“You two left an active crime scene to run off and act recklessly.” Holt scolded them, “I’ve never been so disappointed in two detectives in my career. Santiago,” he turned to Amy regretfully, “You are my favorite employee, so I expect better from you. What do you have to say for yourself?”

Amy stared at him, wide-eyed, “I’m sorry sir. It won’t happen again.”

“Diaz?” he demanded.

“Won’t happen again, Cap.” she assured him.

“Fine, I will let you both off with a warning since you are such good detectives, but do not let this sort of indiscretion occur anymore. Get out of my office.” he waved his hand dismissively.

“Sorry I got you in trouble,” Rosa said as they exited his office, “And we didn’t exactly have the most exciting bucket-list adventure.”

“Are you kidding me?” Amy demanded, “Holt just said I’m his favorite employee! I can die any day now, happily!”

“You’re a weird dude, Santiago.” Rosa shook her head.

“I know.” she sighed, “But thank you Rosa, for trying to give me some excitement. It means a lot.” she reached into her blazer pocket and pulled out the erotica novel from the library, “Plus, I think I’ll even keep this book a little longer, maybe return it _late_.”

“Wow, you’ve really gone wild.” Rosa deadpanned.

“I know!” Amy repeated excitedly.

“Captain!” Jake passed them as he walked toward Holt’s office, leaning in, “Hey Cap! Any idea where my desk is?”

Captain Holt glanced up from his paperwork, pursing his lips as if he had no clue what Jake was talking about, “You’ve lost your desk, Peralta?”

Jake frowned, “Uh...no. It was...it was here when I left.”

Holt stood up sternly, “I hope you are not telling me you’ve become so irresponsible that you can not even keep track of a _desk_?”

“But, I-”

“I suggest you find a desk, Detective.” Holt warned, “It will be hard to fulfill your duties otherwise. Contact maintenance and they can find you a replacement. Oh, and Sergeant Jeffords should have your paperwork.”

Jake’s face screwed up in realization, “What? Why would he have my paperwork?”

Holt paused for a moment, as if he’d been caught, “You’ll have to ask him. Oh, and you may want to ask someone for a ride home tonight. I believe your car is in...less than optimal condition.”

Realization dawned on Jake, and he cried out, “My car?!” he ran out of the office toward the roof, nearly throwing himself over as he looked down into the alley to see his demolished desk and crushed car.

“WHAT THE FU-”

* * *


End file.
